|
FabricWarp
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: ANONYMOUS
Birthday: 6/4/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: Adventures. . . Spiritual Awakenings. Forming intimate connections with people and then forgetting. Destroying common conventions. Imagineering. Pure love. Sincere Emotions. Creating, Dreaming and Innovation. DESTROYING ALL FORMS OF BOUNDARIES, especially of science and art. Seeing the real beauty of being human.
Expertise: Overwhelming Love, passion. . . Making a natural mess of things.
Occupation: Other
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
1/27/2005
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
kp388
|
|
| "The trajedy of a Clown lies on the fact
that if fails where it wants to succeed, and succeeds
where it wants to fail. in other words, it's a complete fuck up."~some clown~ :)
Let me tell you my beautiful story:
it's mid-spring in the afternoon. A storm is about to start. The clouds had started gathering, partially dark grey, but most parts were still pastel blue. random gusts of wind blowing leaves, feathers, and yellow balloons across the sky. a beautiful contrast.... It brought so much to my senses, an ambiguous condition, and inspired an idea while I was on the phone with Rachel. We got back together after I mistakenly ended things so whimsically. But I was DYING to see her:
"I'll meet you under washington square Arch, go back to your dorm after class and change into some old clothing and old shoes, or better yet sandles!"
"what? why?
"just trust me"
"lol but...."
"do you trust me or not?"
"if I don't trust you, I'll die"
"I love you!" I stated firmly and proudly
"I love you more than my own life." she assured me.
"I believe you"
"you better" she giggles
"so I'll meet you in exactly one hour."
"okay. . . god it sounds crazy already"
"Promise you'll wait"
"Promise you'll come"
To which I replied: "If I have to I'll sell my own soul and condemn myself to an eternity in hell just so I could make it to you"
"Then I'll wait for you for that whole eternity if I have to."
We get off the phone and I grab a water proof bag and seal it tight with replacement clothes(slacks and a t-shirt), put on my sandles and ran for the train. I'm all filled with hope on the ride there. I imagine the clouds above me uniting more and more just waiting to release an intense storm within just as Rachel and I were about to. Nature is always exciting and emotional, and we were her natural offspring.
As I'm approaching the arch, from a distance, I see her standing under it. An old orange shirt with oil paints all over it. God she never looked more beautiful, it was like she was wearing a shirt made by jackson pollock. On top of her I see the beautiful romantic arch, and on top of the arch I see the gargantuan majesty of these dark grey clouds about to burst. That peak of wonder influenced me to pick up all my speed, and scream her name:
"RACHEL!!!"
she turns, she gives me a sad face that expressed a desperate overwhelming hungry heart that needed to be fed in a large feast made for angels which only I was able to provide for her.
She jumps on me. Begins to kiss me in madness. A kiss that lasts a good while, so much so that in between we hear thunder roar. At this point people walking around with readied umbrellas look at this "silly" display, but I soon ignored them into the background, I was proud regardless.
"Missed you"
"Missed you too" I smile at her. "Come on, let's go to your dorm I need to drop off my bag"
"lol okay"
As we get out of the arch we noticed it had already started to rain. The thunder in the background filled the space with intense wonder and the rain began to pick up its intensity as well.
We get there in five minutes.
"we can't do much since its raining now." she tells me as I just dropped off my bag."
"come on babe, there are no such things as limitations if you use them to break through!"
"what?"
"why do you think I asked you to wear old worn out clothes?"
She stares out at her wall trying to figure it out. . . then at her window. . . Her eyes widen suddenly as an indicator she just figured it out:
O.O "NOO!" she gives me this huge smile!
"YES!!"
"hahaha!! omg. . . AHHHH!"
we ran out again. what we set out to do was simple in its structure, but filled with childish wonder to us both. We set out to find water filled puddles all through the city to vigorously jump on them.....O the excitement! We hunted them like hungry childish beasts and always found them.
"Look there's one right there!"(she would point) We ran with haste as if it were a fleeting chance to live, and we jumped on while still holding hands. She squeals in excitement as the water erupts like a volcano all around us. Our clothes heavy with every molecule of water, we could feel each others weights on earth reminding us that we're alive, and more. if you could slow down the moment you would get a perfect photographic shot of what life really is about, you would capture freedom and an endearing but boundless sense of love between two rare souls.
"There is no other human being quite like you Anon."
"Nor you love."
"No anon, you don't get it... You are simply magical"
"Well you too! why do you think I fell instantly in love with you?!"
Giggles softly "what's so lovely about you is that you are just oblivious and blind to your own brightness."
"So now I'm blind."
"hehehe" she giggles yet again. she knows that humor is my weak spot, she knows that her soft voice brings me down to her heart again.
she smiles and tells me:
"Babe", she calls me babe :), "I always learn from you by experiencing and feeling your pure heart. It's another form of learning I never thought possible, and yet here I am, a student. A student in love with her majestic professor filled with so much life and with an unforgettable sense of boyish humor. . . A professor who jumps around like a kangaroo down the stairs, becomes a mime in front of depressed stock brokers, gives public math lectures while barefoot, befriends kindly with the prostitutes in Central Park. Although you better watch out with them!"
"hahaha! They're just sweet ladies babe. They're like my 4 surrogate mothers."
"lol! they carved your name on a public tree!!"
(They actually did! But that's another adventure I'll save for later)
"Like I said, they're very sweet ladies, nothing more." :)
we smile silently gazing into each others eyes comfortably. . .
"I'm blessed to have you all for me."
"I love you profoundly, you do know that right?"
"I do" she smiles ever so gently and sweetly, tilting her head to the side before she caresses my wet cheek. and I. . . I kiss her wet hand.
We're soaking wet as we walk hand in hand calmly and peacefully towards her dorm for a good warm shower. In that whole hour's walk we spoke not a word, but smiled and held each other occasionally. But we never let go of each other's hand, ever.
Sometimes, you see, we want to just shut up and feel one another.
I like talking to her with my eyes. It's a spiritual bliss.
"Collige, virgo, rosas"
(Gather, Girl, The Roses)
~by: Virgil or Ausonius~
In The Work: De rosis nascentibus
I feel so much stronger and growing. God I haven't felt this strong since my condition appeared. . . I feel happy without interruptions. Things aren't easy, but it takes so much more from the outside to bring me down. I protest against such things now :). . . Uncertainty is no longer a fearful thing, I don't try to foresee the future to protect myself, but rather live at ease. Still, I wonder on occasions if it's normal to grow in power over a small period of time. . .
| | |
| The Wild Prince on D-Day:
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."
~ Anonymous? maybe
Ode to true love and My Girl, Rachel <3 Let's get married and build ourselves a future with a crooked foundation!! I know our love will make everything steady, just as long as we keep the world at bay. Let's stop focusing on past advances, 'cause tonight will last for infinity. We'll drink hot cocoa and
Vanilla Chai Tea and talk about broken record shoppes, music-boxes and film centers.
I am sure that the wind will break our falls and keep us heavy with a new found complex, courtesy of Mr. Rogers and Eloise. O Let's get married and not worry about future endeavors, Let's dream. We'll knit big sweaters and Armenian Rugs. We'll contemplate sighs of once great loves and nestle by the fireplace, hoping to find ourselves together, you and Me Ray...
(D-Day: The beginning)
[Near the end of a half-hour character confrontation with my math rival, Andrew, in front of Pupin. But
what seemed like a battle of egos, in reality to me it was all simply a battle for love,
a confrontation to get Rachel away from him and by my side]
-". . . You are just a strange rat, that's all you are. you're a fascinating little lab rat to them, that's the only reason why people want to be around you anon, so they can dissect you."
-"We all want to dissect each other andrew. But I prefer calling it 'reaching out.' We're human, it's natural; And after years of my own short life I've learned that the real eccentricities, and beauty, of humanity lies in the fact that all human population that has ever existed, despite the countless atrocities we've committed to one another, we still just want to reach out."
-"I can't believe I've been competing with a pussy instead of a thinker this whole time! You're below me, unlike you, I am a real mathematician who doesn't stand below the primitive lines of thoughtless emotions. haha! you know what your problem is Anon??? You've got too many spirits in you!! You're fucking possessed!"
-"Fuck, Maybe you're right Andrew, maybe I've got too much and too many spirits. Maybe I'm possessed at different times and on different days. But you see Andrew, that's your problem, not mine!"
And with that Rachel looked towards me, and then towards Andrew--now current ex she once raved about--then at me. We had been arguing for a while in front of pupin labs and andrew was gripping her as he feared her departure. . . I simply offered my humble hand, looked at her straight in her eyes with a smile. I am, and was, no longer Afraid or scared of ANYTHING; and I knew what I wanted, I wanted her. . .
I freed her. Let her be the wild child I knew was living INSIDE.
...................................................................................................................
The instant Rachel and I saw each other we had an unspoken connection....She has the features of an ANGEL, and I'm not one to lie. But, I'm a guy that's always been immune and blind to that form of beauty. I'm a guy of eyes and smiles, and her smiles deliver an aggressive warmth to the air I breathe that accented her eyes beautifully. She's a bright NYU student, a creative writer :). she's shy to the most endearing form, but filled with life which I seem to be able to just help her open up to. I know this because the last time we saw each other before that Decision-Day I dared her to pretend she could speak Cantonese (she's french/polish by the way) to her father's friend who was across the hall (and was Chinese).
Rachel: "Ho kayo chow, saplong lee!!!"
Which is utter nonsense she invented on the spot!!! I told her earlier: "if you say things with heart and naturally, no matter how stupid the context is, it'll just come out perfect"(I knew this by experience).
So her father's friend from afar smiles with his eyes wide open! and responds in proper cantonese which we couldn't make out! lol so naturally we laughed.
"Anon, THE THINGS YOU MAKE ME DO!!!!!!!!"
I never met anyone quite like her. Here is my companion of adventures, here is a real girl who is strong enough to stand on her feet, strong and daring, here is actual purity glowing for me, here is someone filled with so much sincere life.
I literally started jumping down the stairs like a kangaroo as we left her house and out of the party. she mimicked me, but not only that, she perfected my kangaroo jumps. She even forgot about andrew that day, who had left her unattended whilst he prepared a speech for that formal party. But she never cared for any of that formality. She and I both share that distaste for formality.
...................................................................................................................
Back to D-Day:
 (Low steps infront of Low Library)
She let go of Andrew and she simply grabbed MY hand. We ran, it was all we knew what to do in the excitement of it all, we ran wildly through Columbia's small campus, we hopped down Low steps simultaneously, two silly beautiful clowns out in the busy crowded large city! My unfixed hair all over the place--I don't fix my hair anymore, it's all crazy and natural like it ought to be.... two larger than life spirits running in a larger than life setting.
 "....You're magical Anon."
These past few weeks have shaped me, left me turn into someone much more clear, I went through a spiritual awakening (more on that later). I just felt so much myself, the timing was perfect for my emotions. I no longer have those mental dictators, and I haven't for the past month and a half.... So this time I didn't hold back, no not this time, this time I jumped head-in-first and I kissed her like I hadn't since the last time I kissed Elaine four years ago!!. . . . she held my hand, her head on my right shoulder, as we head off calmly to talk to and befriend street performers.
"God, I'm petrified beautifully. It's like feeling a supernova. You make life feel like it's a constant amazing gift. . . how did I not realize sooner? I love you"
She held my hand, rested her head on me, and she hasn't let go. Traveling together in life freely.
So will she go to Clown School at the Flea theater with me this summer?
picture by Carf(flickr), Not mine
She laughs and shouts a "NO," But we'll see ;)
I'm working hard here, I'm really working hard to stay in the States for her. She asks me to stay, not to leave her. Her cries broke my heart, I can't bear to see her in that state... I asked my father not to buy the plane tickets, yet...He didn't take the news too well, but I told him I had a good reason. What better reason is it if it concerns the heart?.... I know a girl like her only comes once in a lifetime, and now there's no way in hell that I'm going to be the one to let go.
I'll figure something out.
I finally told Hertz of my plans. Film-making the whole shebang. He, unlike my other professors is more than happy with it. More than happy with my odd-ball approach on the things around. Recently I've started again with my avant-garde sound sculpturing:
"I've always thought of you more of an artist than a scientist anon, even the way you expressed yourself in mathematics was artistic in essence. I think it's perfect and I'd pay any dime to see your unique gifted mind displayed on a screen"Hertz's life partner (his boyfriend) Jayme is an actual filmmaker and a painter. I just found this out yesterday (he never mentioned about his private life to anyone else). He's under development with another piece from Cuba, his other Indie documentaries--which I'll list later--apparently have already entered several film festivals. The guy is fucking talented! So He's agreed to introduce us finally in person! little does he know that I can also write a score... Things are just falling into place without any effort, as if destined. I think I only needed real rigid hope. Hope and now love.
my friends simply roll their eyes, they're tired of hearing me pronounce my love.
"anon, so you're back on your romances after two years. Jeez You haven't changed a bit! you fall in love too easily! You fall for every girl.... Dude you even went out with Ysabel, she's fucking married!! with kids! Don't try to deny it man cuz I heard it from Geri"
-Julien
It's true. I confess anonymously with shame that I did. But love makes you do crazy things, and I never forced her.
And It's not my fault we still had feelings for each other... It was so unexpected, caught us both by surprise.
But that passed, and I know what I feel right now with Rachel, I know what WE feel. My emotions are sincere and fierce. She's different, she means the world to me.
:)
-"you found me by the gutters and trash Ray, how could you pick me?" I asked her.
-"I found you in the heavens, I just picked the wackiest, most beautiful angel, (she kisses me) I'm glad I found you Anon, cuz I'm just a scarecrow without you."
I'm one of the most commonly misunderstood characters around, and yet she's been able to handle me despite that fact. she doesn't run away, she's the only one who knows everything, everything and takes me for my varying personas, shades, mood swings, my wildness, my silences, my disease under treatment, she sticks by me in the worst of it, self-sacrificing and selfless... She knows I'm 'far much stronger than what I appear.' Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve the most beautiful, purest and self-less girl in the world. It's like the gods have made an angel just for me. someone amazing beyond my own dreams, no one even comes close to her. God, it may sound harsh and cruel but it's as if no one before her matters anymore. We're alive for one another.
She was worth the wait. . . <3
 picture by kouititakeuti
"human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted"
~ Martin Luther King Jr. ~
| | |
| A friend told me this story about you. He told me you've never had a boyfriend and you still don't have one at the age of 21. You've never felt "love", the kind they sing about in the songs you love. I want to show you that. I want to show you what you've been missing out on. It's a way to warm your heart, and repair what's left of mine.
But I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to leave you with promises, because these days promises aren't worth keeping. The days go by and my time to leave is somewhat near. What bad timing it is to realize that I want you badly in my arms Jules!!..
I dislike valentines day. It makes lovers more romantic in this day when every day should be an intense romantic experience with your partner. Following the whole business of it only makes love so un-unique... Also, I get individual sets of roses every time from girls, but a couple of guys too ha!... I give them out to strangers every year, it's funny.... As I desire her, I'm also thinking of my penpal, the one who let me down. how alike our souls are, even reflected in our actions or predictions. The one who abandoned me again. Always running away to seclusion, or to a past that is long gone, or to someone else before she realizes that I'm still here, and that there is perhaps no other soul... no other soul as alive and colorfully creative that she has never really seen and experienced first hand, no other soul that could fill voids with light, no other soul more connected to her than me, even as we are silent and at a distance. We are missing out on the ride because we never got on it. She goes on other rides before knowing how ours, two mystical, creative and intensely spiritual romantic fools, would ever really end up.
We deserve better, better than a normal cliched romance, better than a normal life. We deserve something supernatural.
But I'm tired of that. She's never there for me. . . not to be bitter at all, but for self-reflection, I am resisting on the inclination of speaking to her direct, of accepting anything at the moment, or ever perhaps. besides if I know her well enough she's already with someone, maybe even engaged as I was not long ago. . . we have just very large hearts, enough to fall for every person on this planet. She never understood me...I understand her very well... That's why I was critical towards her, not because I couldn't or didn't understand, but because I did. And Because everyone else for years had given me the horrible habit of being critical towards myself, of questioning internally my own behavior, as if their words gave birth to my own doubts. It's something that I've been working on eliminating for myself.... some day.
But, Love is never about control, and I have no fear of letting go at all. I realize that the only thing that was controlling me was uncertainty. I am perhaps too wild to ever be fully controlled by anyone, and for that I am grateful for.
Again, "let destiny run its course," as my old spiritual guide told me.
We met only twice in this life, and both times we had each other passionately in our arms. How blessed were we.
And that's enough for me :) .
I just hope she still smiles, because people
with dimples were born to smile and spread joy.
children never forget. I never forgot my childhood. How poor I grew up, but how lively rich I was in a small secluded town surrounded by the forest of southern mexico. It's well known as "the eternal spring", but others call it Xaam (shaam) "land of the clouds"--It's a very supernatural setting, both expressively and literally... I never forgot visiting my maternal grandfather and how he always had the sweetest and kindest conversations with his animals, his humour, his smile, his beautiful cinamon colored skin, what warmth and innocence. My first day of school at the age of 3--I was never a normal child...I am now unofficially a part time elementary science school teacher (P.S. 222). I love my children, I love them so very much. Even devilish justine who always throws the girl's crayons. They're so beautiful running around, so beautiful learning and laughing. It thus far gives me the only pure joy now, otherwise everything else is just a performance to demonstrate that I'm okay. That I'm not lonely. My childhood best friend, my brother, Stephan already left on wednesday. I'm already missing our late night walks with tea, our talks, but even our silent walks (because I can get a little too thoughtful and quiet at times) were worth each other's presence. He would always calm me down, he knew the right things to say, and although he never understood what I was, he accepted it, he was okay with it.
Happy valentines day to you, My best friend, my brother, Stephan. The man I love, the man who cherished me and the man who always stood by my side in all my colorful character, erratic joyful bursts, my depressive sides, my mood swings, in all my crazy quirky childish sense of humor, my psychotic episodes, my heartbreaks.
Thank you for the kind letters my dear readers.
I'm glad to see I have fans. But I beg you not to ask or expect anything from me.
After all I am going to clown school:
http://www.nygoofs.com
Well, I was being serious when I mentioned clown school on my last entry ;), I won't be a scary looking one though, promise. In fact I find myself questioning why some people admire and honor that socipathic clown "the joker". It's just sick, and I'll have nothing to do with that demented ideology.
Another friend suggested Mime school. . . but my father was already one (a long beautiful story I'll tell some day) and I learned under him.
I'm making a story built on top of such worlds.
it's a modern fable of heartbreak, poverty and actual clowns
le mime
| | |
| "To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee."
~Emily Dickinson
there is nothing better than an impromtu dance in an awkward setting, the only sad part is doing it alone and trying to push your partner into joining you . I broke up with this bright girl, not because of disappointment, although I must say I'm never going out with a scientist ever again, but because I myself would hate being lied to and/or led to believe that someone loves me, when the truth of that matter is far from it. It's the worst anybody could ever do to anyone. . .
I need a girl like Amelie!!! <333 :D and I think I found her. I'm falling all over!!I
I can't wait for the summer, I'll be making chains out of daisies, all over my long hair with feathers! I'll be running all around central park like a crazed Indian hippie :).
 I was suggested to be a clown, now I took that seriously because I was being an impish clown.
So I'm going to clown school
I figure, I'm great with kids and once I get to Mexico I can work at birthday parties or visiting circuses
while I finish my engineering degree. Then I'll head to film and art school. What ever I put my mind to I always accomplish.
:)
I think bold men who grow out of trees are inspiring. . . My parents were once trees, they were from distant lands but both were worshiped by no one, left and ignored until they both met each other. They worshiped each other, created angels and gods together. And then one day, they created my siblings and me.
They came out normal. But I'm the brother that came out rather different. I've always had an oddball approach to everything, and an outlook on life like moving poetry with visual feasts and auditory indian desserts blended in spices.
I feel too alone with my best friend who just left to Brazil for good now. I spent the entire night in sadness. . .
waiting to be awaken. . . Hide and seek and surprise me.
I wait to extract every bit of magical elixir from my sweetly realized romantic fantasies. I am infinite here in my world, can anyone see me? Can you see me? Did you ever understand me?
I'm starting to believe you were only trying to manipulate me. Because it seems I never meant much to you......
Thursday, February 05, 2009
I unintentionally charmed a bright beautiful woman who works at the pupin labs not long ago. A strict serious student I made laugh with the loudness of my personality (which, has been said, falls randomly like a "shooting star") after i had to pick up a few results. I came literally doing a goose march in with a huge smile, long strides and thumped my foot hardly on the ground. What a mess of sound !!
"shush! this is a lab for christ sake!" with a strong smile she attempted in hiding
"Pish posh, a lab is just a fancy playground!!"
"You surprise me, I've heard rumors about you but I never expected them to be all true lol"
" C'mon, you've really only seen me once." I say with a humble smile: "I surprise lots of people. my personality is variable, but in purity I'm just--" (she interrupts)
"--an enlarged child!. . . now leave will Ya! I've got work"
So I lean over to see what she was working, "well it seems all you're describing is reflected light" I told her after looking at her work
"what do you mean?"
"your model. . . that's all it's doing."
she looks at this "fool" so surprised again!!! she had assumed I was some fool who was just disturbing the area
"Are you a theoretical physicist of some sort?"
"lol no I did want to be that at one point. . . Now I fancy myself an aspiring artist"
This is where she laughs a shit load. . . but if only she knew. It was fine though, her laughter towards me didn't insult me and I left whistling out the door and through the halls.
two days later, I bumped into her at hamilton hall on the second floor. She had smiled at me and we began a short five minute talk as we walked.
....
(five minutes later)
she asked: "I'm expecting my friend to come by in a few. . . would you. . mind painting--I mean waiting! with me at the starbucks?"
I noticed her looking towards the floor with a light smile. I knew that sign all too well and I did not want to damage her. Although I have been with several others in the short past, and I've gotten so close to feeling infatuated with others, my heart still belonged and belongs to someone else. I wished not to cause her any pain.
I told her I had several errands, although in fact I had just taken the short cut out from visiting my friend's dorm.
She soon took notice of my tone in mood change to a bland one. I spoke very little and grew into silence and seriousness. I saw myself waiting in patience like a monument
"you're a bit whimsical aren't you?" she pointed out.
"you've no idea. . . I have to go"
I begin my move towards the exit.
"wait!"
"I can't!!. . . I can't. . . That's what I'm always doing, just waiting, waiting alone until she realizes that I'm still here, that I'm the purity of her reflection and returns to me in a desperate longing for me again, only to shut me out again and runs, runs in hiding, runs back to a past that is no longer hers, runs into someone else--"
"--what??"
"I can't wait alone. . . I've always waited alone." I raise the same hands she touched that early morning half way up my abdomen and looked at them in thought. "I'm tired of waiting alone in the rain, by the benches watching the hudson river pass by me as I create my own kingdom alone... For once, for fucking once I would like to wait centuries with someone by my side. For once I'd like to be somebody's present, not the future or past"
"You certainly have a lot of surprises."
"You've no idea."
And just like that, we waited together. . .
. . . (One day later). . .
"you have a mystical quality around you, you know that?" she caresses my cheek as she lays on my lap, I smile, as it is not the first time i've heard it.... We're on her sofa and I begin to wonder what sort of mysteries I can uncover in her. Every woman is a mystery to solve. The thought of a romantic Sherlock Holmes investigation excites my mind and body. First I begin with her hair, golden yellow locks, running my warm fingers down her beauteous face.
"what did I do to deserve such a beautiful girl like you?"
she giggles in what seems like a blissful state of mind as her eyes are half closed, as if in a trance I placed her in.
"You are just so radiant and gorgeous, you have an irresistible charming beautiful endearing...(pauses as she whispers)... lively and colorful sense of humor, too exotic, too rare to pass on. I love the life you give off, it's contagious. Even though you can be a clown, you are also rightfully somber at points. I love seeing you think and wonder in silence. I love that you have more depth and complexity than any person I've ever met. you're really something entirely else."
She speaks like a poet! Her words surprise me, leave me feeling so prized, so appreciated and loved. . . so loved. I know it sounds selfish, but I live on love, on love. and I also give much of myself. I like to give myself as much I can. Take me, do with me what you will.
And with that, I chained myself to a bright beautiful woman. I need love. . . I am just a passionate soul, 'I was born to love.'
"Anon, brother, you don't love her. . ."
- kotskyy
"I know. I'm also missing creativity from her. Adventure, she's too reserved. Not free spirited.
She's a common scientist. I need and want a soulful depth. spiritual adventures."
"You've always been spiritual brother, I remember you would come with me to my Sikh temple in search for something.
You need this in your life brother. You know that feeling, that feeling that you tried pushing away, but never dies out."
"I know it too well. . ."
"So find it. . . "
"Or wait for it?"
| | |
| "The heart is the only broken instrument that works."
~ T. E. Kalem  New Classes, New Students, New Ears. . .
It's been four years since those words she whispered to me in my ears by the evening ports surrounded by paper lanterns. I had finished playing a show as I saw her in the crowd and I jumped down shirtless and in all the glorious sweat that comes after playing a silly punk song filled with empty notes. But she stood there waiting for me despite the mess of noise that the "silly" genre displays. She stood there with a smile knowing all too well what I would do to her. And she said gently in my ear after:
"Anon you're the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. But I'm gonna leave you one day."
-Joyce
Since then those words have become the prime example of what my life has become as a lover, and friend. . . My best friend stephan is leaving to Brazil for good, starting school and a new job that he has no passion for. A future set in motion by his father, the control freak.
I have no voice in this. and the idea that I'll be losing my childhood friend simply leaves me in a void I cannot fill. I truly have no one close to a heartful ear anymore, the reality of it hit me just by the train station as I waited for its arrival. I don't know how it just happened, something in the noise of solitude in the tunnel or the pitch black everlasting darkness of each end led me to crash. . .
I broke down and I didn't even notice it until I was on the floor on my knees and a skinny violin player with a beard, who always plays at the museum station, came down to ask if I was okay. . . A violin player with a beard. Brought me right back to the past conversation of how she loves them. The man reminded me of gnome with that red hat he wore though. Gnomes have always cheered me up, and the sight of him brought me back to tranquility somehow. There are no accidents in life, perhaps.
Where are you when I need you?? Where is that care and LOVE you pronounced so strongly to me that late/early night?
I try not to care and be patient. . . but to be frank, it's hard, it's so hard, because I need someone to be here for me.
But they all leave, all the ones I cared for, they all leave without any warning. Why me?. . .
She came back for me though, my red star, she seems to come back.. But every time I'm shut out I'm in terror that she won't return. . . she might get lost somewhere else instead. She probably is already as I type these words. . .
I'm leaving anyways, without my own will, eventually. on to our own quinquereme. . . she is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. an unintentional lovely occurrence at the start of the morning in a dark dark room.
"Anon, you love too much, that's why she thought you were amazing. That's also why she left."
-Julien (on all the ones who left)
...I'm just a very passionate person, I was born to love...
I am your anonymous romantic.
"We'll see each other, I mean you'll visit me in Brazil next year, you'll finally be able to travel. And I'll visit you in your home in the forest. Don't worry. . . I love you bro"
"I love you too"
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I'll never forget:
I'll never forget the time I spent the night on Pier 63 Maritime on the Chelsea ports with not just a girl, but THE girl, Elizabeth Quinn. Every guy in school had their eyes on her. But for some absurd reason I've never got, she had her eyes on me. She seemed to have just known me without knowing me. She always made constant eye contact with me. If I would steer off for some silly reason, she would grab my chin and put me right back to her. I thought nothing much of it at the time, I had never been that superficial schmuck and I made the poor assumption that she was just some pretty face wanting attention from every guy. But the truth was far from it, I ended up falling for her charmful character, for her creativity with quilts and fabrics.
Pier 63 was incredibly hard to spot, but It was a lovely hidden place with a ballroom out in the open with some partial roofing where you could go up to sit on top of the ballroom to watch the Hudson river or night skyline. It was all on this wooden walk way which also had an old abandoned metal wooden train cart from the l920s. parallel and next to the open ballroom, on the right, was an old abandoned metal ship. There were restrooms exposed to the hudson river under the open ballroom with a lovely red sofa. It was a nice place to warm up, as it can get cold at night even in the summer.
It was a very surreal setting to just lay your eyes on let alone spending it with someone. It was THE place you see. It was the place to just escape, think, feel independent, feel like you've got your special spot on this earth that was analogous to you. Different. You never found anyone else by there and you could sleep soundly because it was a setting very easy to miss, unless you were adventurous enough to find it.
I was 15 so I knew of no other place to spend the night with Liz.
My parents would never have accepted it. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to take advantage, and I never did. . .
Her dad, you see, would often abuse her, hit her.
It wasn't rare to see her with marks on her arm or shoulders.
One time it got so bad, that she couldn't hide it from me.
We had first started going out, and already we had to face something difficult.
She didn't want to go home, and implored me not to tell anyone.
I tried to convince her to report it to the police, and that i would accompany her.
But she kept imploring me with tears not to.
I'm not trying to defend myself, just explaining that it wasn't an easy thing
that came with immediate answers, especially for a young teenager...
So I tried to protect her the best a 15yr old boy could.
Her father was a sleezy scum bag even though he owned a couple of stores on madison avenue. So what's a poor teenage kid from a bad neighborhood like me compared to millionaire if I were to go to the cops? Again I'm not trying to excuse myself, and I never will, but that was the situation...... Her mother was always drunk and pretended nothing was wrong in her family. I was her light, she told me. I remember her so well and proudly.
Liz, do you remember?
do you remember how you first told me everything
when we went out, when you snuck out just to have a sight of me?
you presented me with full trust...told me your world in a flash of love.
We planned on marriage even.
such foolish dreams felt so perfect and safe to just imagine
when in love and surrounded by such a crumbling and sad world around you,
and having only one person to rely on. I promised I would protect you.
Do you remember us dancing on that ballroom by the ports at night? I played Bob marley's Three little birds to relax you from your worries and pains.
"Dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right..."
you would just giggle as I would attempt in singing.
But we danced so close, I made sure of that.
I made sure you were feeling safe and taken care off.
I remember you laid your lovely head on my chest as we danced.
You started to tear up.
"I'm not sad, I'm just happy I have you." and smiled as you said it.
you held me even tighter, I could feel your arms wrapped around me. your warmth and smell. I still get chills every time a girl passes by with that same perfume.
There was an old foozball machine, and you jokingly challenged me.
so we played and teased each other about our loses.
I jumped up and down with the hoolahoops as if they were jump ropes. YOU LAUGHED, hah!. I was always a silly goof and you knew it. everyone else thought I was a serious nut.... But that was far from the truth, and you accepted it... and I, I was just happy seeing you happy. That's all I wanted to do, make you happy. You then looked at me straight in the eye, stopped everything. You just came to me with a kiss.
"I love you"
you had your eyes closed and were shivering, so I took you down to the red sofa. we cuddled and we talked for hours until you fell asleep. I kept awake the whole night to keep you safe.
After that night you couldn't be without me. We were there for each other.
you would squeal in excitement at just the sight of me. :)
I loved you madly too. I did love you.
But in the end, destiny took you away from me.
One day after two perfect weeks of heaven you came to me with a black eye.
I was horrified, I was ready to confront that man....But you told me you were moving instead.
Was that the cause of an argument with your father? was that the way he gave you that mark
to silence your uproar? You just said goodbye with shameful tears, you couldn't even face me.
I said no, that I'd find a way to keep you safe. I wasn't ready to let go without a fight babe.
I went down to the police station at 1 in the morning and I stayed waiting
without any success, I needed a testimony from you......
The next day I went out to find you I find out from the school department that you had already left. You left the state for some private school. Your family took you away from me, without them even knowing it... The school was too stupid and ignorant to know your situation and they denied of ever giving me any information to find you. I was so devastated. I just broke down for days at a time.
I never heard from you again.
I'm so sorry liz, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you, I'm sorry I didn't have the audacity I now have. I'm painfully sorry that I failed you easily. I could have done something, but I fucked up. I always fuck up. It's my fault that you might have continued living in hell under your father. It's my fault for every blow that pig laid on you.
I wonder what all these years have given you....
I wonder if you remember me just like I do you; simply out of the blue.
I wonder if you carry that small memory with you, just like I've done for all these years.
I think I still love you...
Saturday, January 10, 2009Within ALL of us is a 'Wild Thing'!
"I could be bound in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space"
~ Bobby Fischer (Grandmaster Chess Player)
 You see the thing with adventures is it's more like relying things on chance, luck, destiny, serendipity and of course you have to rely on your wild senses, a good hunch, to see if it's an interesting setting or not. It's not as simple. your personality usually makes it so, however :). So if a person tags along to join me on one, they immediately expect something fast to happen. But that's not how it works. Sometimes I spend days on a certain setting until it comes, it's not that I know, it's more like a hunch or a gut feeling, so although I don't know when exactly, I might know where, also I get luck and think fast to change a situation. Not manipulate, no, rather give it a general direction, like the strength of throw when you roll dice.
One time I was at a hotel by times square, which had a bar I saw from the outside (it was nicely decorated in luxurious 1950's lounge) by the way, so I would openly sit down and order a few drinks and got to know the staff. it was all nice, and I got to know a certain christopher who was into acting and such. I think the hotel is called Millenium hotel, or something like that.... Well by the fourth day (this is what I meant previously by the days) chris had told me about an event that would be occurring at 9 in the evening at the hotel's ballroom, a large group of young deaf mute people were having some sort of social. This was exciting!!! it's not very often that you get to be around and interact with deaf mute people, and I always love to interact with people in different ways. So I found a way to sneak in.
So they did actually have music, but they pointed the speakers towards the floors so that they could feel the music under their feet! that was marvelous!
This girl found me came over with a smile and started talking to me in sign language. I had no idea what she was saying, and I gave that puzzle expression and shook my head explaining, without words, that I can't speak sign language. Actually that was my mistake, I should have gone a long because she wasn't blind and couldn't have mistaken me for someone and she came in with a smile. so that was stupid of me. . . Anywho, this guy comes over and speaks to me, actually speaks to me--turns out he was the boyfriend of one of the gals in the party but had actually learned sign language--and had asked me who I was. I simply played the lost boy, so he was nice enough to introduce me to almost everyone and stayed by me, along with his girl, and taught me a couple of signs. It was really like being in a foreign nation and they were all just inviting and quite nice.
So I danced with this particular girl who had her eyes on me the whole time. she was more or less my dancing partner, but we couldn't really understand each other of course, so that didn't end up working out. But I still think about her even to this day, I was starting to fall for her sweetness and nurturing warmth.
As the party ended we fashionably exited out in small groups at a time. It's times square and the City so it never sleeps, you'll always find a store or lovely shoppe open 24hrs where you can eat, drink sit down and talk. So we chose this place by 5th ave. went in and wouldn't you know it, everyone starts ordering by simply taking their turns by pointing at what they want or drawing it or writing it on a piece of paper (depending on which would be fastest to get their point across). So anywho, I go up to the guy and try to order a yoohoo. I point initially, but it was so deep in a corner that he didn't realize to what I was pointing, so I then proceeded to play sharade with him so I JUMP and immediately spread my hands up like the letter "Y" and opened my eyes real wide pretending to be in a rollercoaster, apparently it was a 'Woohoo' sing not a 'Yoohoo' sign because he still wasn't getting it and by that time everyone was estranged by my numerous ecstatic-like postures--I was smiling at myself at this point. A minute later or two, A couple walks in while I'm doing this, they leave and I try again whilst the clerk failed again. . . haha! the poor guy felt so bad for not understanding at what I wanted. But finally, another minute later some guy from the street who walked in ordered a yoohoo, the clerk presented the yoohoo to this gentleman and I simply pointed in excitement towards the guy's yoohoo!
"OHH that's what you meant!!"
I nodded my head in excitement and smiled ^_^
"there you go sir"
I then paid for it and welcomed my refreshing drink into my hands and yelled: "THANK YOU!!"
"WHY YOU SON OF A BITCH!!" he said in laughter
hahahah!
| | |
|
